Transitioning Femmes and Their Progressive Wives, A Tragedy
As I began my transition, for a decade and a half I had been in a straight-presenting couple with my wife, a progressive cis woman. I was so relieved when she chose to stay with me.
I am filled with sorrow to find we were embarking on what was be revealed to be a tragic arc. She supported me through coming out to the world, through beginning my medical transition, and through meeting and exploring myself.
But at the same time, I was bottled up by our relationship when coming out to the world, when beginning my medical transition, and when meeting and exploring myself. Because the issue between us isn’t her politics, it’s that the situation is actually “two traumatized people are trying to navigate the impact of one of them undergoing radical self acceptance and healing of core traumas, while the other isn’t on that journey to the same degree at this time.”
My perception of our relationship felt extremely limiting, and when I pushed against those limits, she experienced changes to our relationship as hurtful. Being in that relationship and contending with what it asked of me felt like trying to grow inside a space too small for me - feeling the lack of room, I made compromises and self-censored constantly, bargaining away who I am before I even had a chance to shine, before I even showed her who I am.
Even with those efforts to limit myself, my growth still changed our relationship dynamic, and when the dynamic changed, it provided her with less of what she was relying on it to provide. Watching someone I love suffer those changes was agony.
I ended it. I severed that relationship. I don’t know what comes next for us. We have a family. I love her. We have history stretching almost half a lifetime. We are taking it a day at a time, seeking opportunities to grow a new, queer garden of connections between us. I hope it will flourish; it has been a path full of thorns, thus-far, but also flowers. I have no way of knowing if it will grow into something healthy for us.
At a different scale, I mourn the tragedy of how many of my trans femme friends seem to be struggling with very similar situations. My story and theirs seem to have eerie similarities. I am comforted that my story might help them feel seen and like they are not alone, but I am saddened that they might be going through the same pain.
1/2 #trans